luv2bg

I must say that keeping a food journal is some powerful stuff!!!!! I found myself tempted many times today. I only caved 2 twice! When faced with the fact that I promised to write it down and then put it here, it was much easier to not eat it. After all I wouldn’t want people to know that I am not in control cause golly they can’t possibly see that by just looking at my fat!! All kidding aside, it really is pretty powerful! Only giving in to the temptation of food two times in a day is pretty big for me lately.

So on to the two times I caved….  All in all it wasn’t a perfect day. I did really well until I got home from the dance studio tonight. I worked till 8:45 and when I got home the hubs had made nachos! After asking him why he hated me, I promptly sat down and ate them. I didn’t think twice about writing it down or how many fat grams where in it or carbs or empty calories! You understand, that I couldn’t see any of those things cause all I could see was the food. Smell the aroma, feel the textures in my mouth and the different flavors blending together. How am I supposed to beat this feeling? This wasn’t about being stressed or feeling inadequate or any of those things. No, not this time and not lots of times, it is often just about the amazingness of food! That and my inability to resist! Sometimes I feel like a drug addict walking into a room where someone left their drugs on the table. I know I shouldn’t but I just can’t stop. I really hate this!

So when I sat down to write this I felt okay about my day. I mean I was willing to admit that I ate more nachos than I should have and that I ate 2 funsize butterfinger bars. But as I was writing I thought about why I did it. I have promised myself to write down how I am feeling when I overeat so that I can pinpoint my triggers and work on getting them out of my life. I don’t know how to get this out of my life…. Now I feel pretty lousy about my day, UGH! did I mention that I really hate this!

Well this was the first day and I would love to say that I had great success!! I would really love to but I promised not to lie!  So I must be honest. I did better than I usually do, but even still I ate 1821 calories, 261 carbs and 55 fat grams. Wow!

This was not the plan! But I did write down everything that I ate, so that was a success! If I am faced with looking at it every day then perhaps I will be more conscientious about what I put into my mouth.

Alright I also said I would weigh everyday but did not go and purchase a scale today. Maybe cause I didn’t have time or maybe because I still don’t really want to know!!!! So just for the sake of honesty lets say it was the latter. I will try again tomorrow. I also said I would write down my feeling each day, to perhaps discover triggers to overeating or even eating the wrong things.  So here goes, I had a relatively stress free day. It was busy so I didn’t have a great deal of time to prepare anything healthy. I lusted after the mountain of haloween candy, and ate a fraction of whatI wanted so I consider that a success(I mean I gotta take one minute at a time right?).

Well I didn’t have a great first day but it wasn’t a failure either. I have to learn about me, not just about restriction. Tomorrow I get to try again.

Today I decided that I was overweight….. Well okay I already knew it but today I admitted it and began to search for the way to fix it. So, first I figured that I need to reflect on how I got here. I was physically fit for most of my life.  I mean after all I am a dance coach, so I can’t really even put my finger on why I am out of control. But I am willing to try.

So I am gonna just try to hash it out here and keep a journal of what I try and how it works. I am not even sure how much I weigh cause I don’t own a scale, but it must be at least 130 pounds more than I should. I know because I saw some pictures of myself from a costume party at the dance studio and I was just amazed!!!! I know I know, I work in a room with mirrors every day, how could I not know what I look like? Well I really didn’t!

Alright, I know that I started to gain weight when I got pregnant in 1999. I went from 125lbs. to 185lbs. then after I had the baby I got down to 155 five months later and got pregnant with the twins! I weighed 205 when I had them and three months later I got pregnant again! This time I had gestational diabetes and watched everything that I ate so I didn’t gain as much on this one. I delivered my fourth child in three years weighing in at 220. I lost about 25 or so pounds after I delivered the last child and over the last 7 years I have put more back on. I don’t know quite how much cause as I said I don’t own a scale but I do plan on buying one tomorrow. But I think more important than how much I have gained right now is how I did it.

Well I have never possessed a healthy relationship with food….. When I was younger I used to eat until I was sick and then make myself throw up so I could eat more and not gain weight (dancers are supposed to be thin, and I loved food so this was my way of having both). In my early twenties I had my first and second child and stopped making myself throw up while I was pregnant because it was not safe for my baby. I gained 80lbs and I got pregnant again 8 months later and delivered that child weighing 193lbs.! I starved myself for the next couple of months to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. When I say I starved myself I mean really! I allowed myself on most days no more that 800 calories and I did aerobics at least 2 times every day. My marriage became abusive and fell apart during that time and I remained obsessed with my body image. Eventually I discovered a healthy weight and then became focused on maintaining it. That weight was 120 to 130lbs.  10 years later I met my husband and well I already wrote about all of those pregnancies.

A couple of years after my last child was born we bought a dance studio. Along with the dance studio came STRESS! and extremely late nights at the studio. I began to eat for comfort, then we hit the financial stress of the weakening economy and lost the studio. MORE STRESS! This also caused strain on our marraige which equaled more stress! My refuge has been food, I do not admit(or have not admitted until now) that I overeat! No one ever sees me overeat, I mean clearly they can see the effects of my overeating but not the actual act.

So how do I get control of this? I thought the best way was to admit that I am not in control, then to figure out how much I weigh and educate myself on the best and safest way to get moving. I decided to blog because that way I can journal my successes and failures anytime from home or from my phone. I also wanted to find a network of people that I could get and give support and advice from. Here I go!